DATA LOG: 000 "Regret is like a time bomb"

I wish for things I can not obtain while morning things I can not change.

Or to be blunt: My heart is weak. 

I am such a frail child clinging to his mother’s dress, I always waffle. My time as a musician and later as an artist has helped me realized that I’m really and truly made up of fractured glass, pieces placed together by my ego to create a stain glass representation. Sometimes it’s easier to go along with it, Finding beauty in the chaos, other days the truth is so bright, its fucking blinding.

I need to get stronger.

But it’s a battle, a large part of me wants to grow but there’s a small part of me that screams in a tiny voice. 

“Don’t forget me” 

Change is scary and growing is lonely you find yourself surrounded by new. And the new doesn’t always settle in right away. It’s lonely being the first person to leave the room looking for more. Walking those hallways looking, no hopping for light, but also hoping you’ll find someone looking with you. All the while you look behind you and see all the people you’ve left behind. 

But what really gets me, is the lack of promise. The lack of a guarantee, there could be nothing for me on the other side. Would that make this worth it? Should I even try? I play these choices in my head on repeat until I’m bogged down by anxious exhausting energy. It’s stupid and self destructive I know. 

Right now I want to take one step at a time, I hope to find the patience with myself to grow. I refused to repeat “my heart is weak” in the future. I want more for me and those around me. 

Focus on the task ahead of you, put your head down and work, it is the only thing you can control. Leave fate to those who are lucky.